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Well hello my fine feathered friends...? Hope all are well this
first quarter of '06! Wow! Happy New Year for '06! Can't believe how fast the
21st century moves huh? - Almost at warp speed? It seemed like just
yesterday we were ringing in the new millennium frantically trying to
stave off the Y2K Armageddon by downloading a Windows Patch, stockpiling
water, ice, and canned goods and as many BEvERages as
would fit in a bathtub filled with said water and ice.
Well we've been busy here at FHQ/FNC headquarters and I first, I must
apologize for my delay in getting an update done, bu- ("You're a
$*#@! Slacker Dave!") - Ah it's great to have Jeff E. back working at
the FNC! - "HEY ANYBODY? Who let the "E" out of the
box again? Will somebody get "E" back in the
box!" Anyway as I was saying, or excuse me, apologizing for
being a "slacker"... 'er No, I mean to say "lazy" -
No. Wait. It's got to be your bull. "You have
derailed!" - Shut up Jeff! - "WILL SOMEBODY COME PUT
"E" AWAY NOW DAMMIT!"
So seriously (or as serious as we get here at the FNC) we've been busy, so
we blew off the fourth quarter update and now we're faced with the dilemma
of too MUCH News. That's right, believe it or not folks - the FNC
has too much to tell you, so much that we have no choice but to provide
you with brand new content over at the DARTH M
side of the news room as well.
So before you go over there to see what shenanigans have been going on,
here's where we were when we left -
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We had recently discovered the Cyber Kid was "chasing"
NASA payloads around the country, or so he claimed but a renowned
Professor - Professor C. Overup was trying to uncover the true
meaning of a patch located on the arm of the Cyber Kid we noticed in
a recent picture (see sidebar) and had stated that he
"...thinks that it may be part of a covert "Black
Ops" unit called "Nostromo" that conducts Anti
Alien-Proliferation operations near the White Sands, NM restricted
area..." but also went on to say that he could not
"...confirm or deny this..." and that "...this is
nothing more than a theory we are working on at the
moment..." So where are we on that story? Well
after much deliberation and squeezing some cash out of our Board of
Trustees (aka wives) the FNC put together a crack team of
investigators spearheaded by none other than Jeff "E.T."
Engel to figure out what was "really" going on with the
Cyber Kid. And here now are the results of that investigations
- In his own (our) words from an undisclosed location (Orlando, FL)
ladies and gentlemen - Jeff "E.T." Engel ... <mild
applause> |
So I was
tasked with the task of running a task force and tasking people to find
out what the Cyber Kid was "actually" doing with these alleged
"payloads" Which at the time we didn't buy and believed to
be nothing more than Alien scum that had to be eradicated from our
planet. I'm no dummy, I saw War of the Worlds, Invasion of the Body
Snatchers, Aliens and Cocoon and I've got a formula - (Aliens + Alien
Acidy Spit + Brainwashing + Old People) = Bad Times Squared or if
you prefer -
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(A + AAS +
Bwash + Oldpeps)
= BT2 |
So I set out
with my team (of 1 including myself) and here's the results of my
investigation (from my journal) -
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DAY 1
0900 - Well, if I'm going to prove the
Cyber Kid is chasing aliens, then first I have to find out if there
are actually any aliens to chase. Hit the nearest 7-11 for
soda and a dozen donuts - Alien Fact Finding Food - and off I
went. OK parked the truck and set up a deep space radio
receiver capable of "hearing" anything within pretty much
like 100 miles or so, so I figure I'll hear "any" alien
transmissions that way.
DAY 7
0900 - OK, been a week and my set-up is getting too much
interference from the human "element." I have to remove
that and head out to a more remote location. Note to self -
There's a lot of "pop" music out there on the
airwaves - figure the aliens might put us out of our misery
just for that violation of intergalactic law - Kids today huh?
...Breeeakkkk...Awayyyyy... |
| DAY 8
2100 - OK, set up in my new loca - OW! <smack>
F$#!@& mosquitoes are huge out here. <swat> No more luck on receiving
any transmissions - stupid aliens. Bet they know I'm listening
and are avoiding the place - Cunning B@$tards. OW!
<smack> Mosquitoes have tasted blood... Game is on now
$#@^&!. Cyber Kid growing suspicious as I have not spoken
to him in a few days... asked about the headsets too. Told him
I for got I had them on - phew, that was close - good cover on my
part. <swat> They don't put me in charge for
nothin' you know. (FNC Note - Compensation for the job was
unlimited donuts and gas fees - receipts required. Cost to you
the reader - nothing!) DAY 9 2000
- Mosquit - OW! <smack>... are relentless. Must increase
the receiver strength and bug spray if I have any hope of getting
proof of life out here. More later, much McGuyvering to be
done... |
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DAY 10
2337 - OW! <smack> OK. Upgrades
done. Amazing what you can do with a sunshade and an
umbrella. I can hear great now but still no Aliens - stupid
Aliens. On the upside I can hear ESPN and the - OW!
<smack> ... neighboring town. Smith's fight like cats
and dogs over there on account <swat> of Mr. Smith's predilection
to the booze and porn channels. Also, can hear lots of
growling from A.J.'s direction. Hope his medication is not -
OW! <smack> wearing off. Wouldn't want to hunt that
thing down again... $#!@^* MOSQUITOES! OW! <smack> Guess I'll
stay out here till the job is done...
0315 - Help. <swat swat swat>
Help. <swat> Mayday. Mayday. OW!
<smack> Mossies in the wire, Mossies in the wire...
<swat> ...
0337 - Fought the larger ones off, but
<swat> they keep coming... OW! <smack> Growing
tired... OW! <smack> There's just <swat> too
<swat> many... OW! <smack> Need to change
receiver to transmitter OW! ... Need Help! OW! ... |
| 0423 - Captain's Log - This -
OW! May be my - OW! Last Entry. I'm - OW!
Weak... <swat> Mosquitoes... OW! Taken too
much blood... Must - OW! Get help... OW! <smack>
Mus... Must... OW! Find
<swat> shelter...
So tired... OW! Just go to sleep...
OW! Just sleep... all a <swat>
OW! Bad dream...
So tired...
Sleep now...OW!
Sleep...
Sleep...
Slee.........
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DAY 43
0900 - Back in the saddle again. So,
a short stay at the hospital (FNC NOTE - 33 days later?) gave me
some blood and I'm right back to it. I guess some hunters
found me at 0614 that morning sitting in my truck muttering about my
Mommy and aliens. Cunning B@$tards those aliens - I fell right
into their little trap! Sure they said I might have sustained
some minor brain damage due to the lack of blood, but that will not
stop me. I will be stayed by some little green men (or
whatever they look like) No. You cannot stop me. I will
get to the bottom of these Cyber Kid shenanigans - trust me....
Sure, they might mock me at the FHQ.
Sure they may make fun of me because I carry around my Vader PEZ
dispenser (comfort food people.) Sure I might drool now and a
gain for no reason, but let me tell you I didn't get the
"E.T." for nothing. Stands for "Exceptionally
Tough" (I heard it was "Extra Tubby")
NO! NO! It's not that! ... Not that!
"Tough." It's "tough!" (OK man, just
kidding.) "TOUGH!" |
| DAY 44
2100 - I see the suspects (Cyber Kid's)
car. Figure if I want to find out what the Cyber Kid is really
up too once and for all, his ride will reveal it - Going to just
jimmy the lock and see what he's got.
2114 - You see, when all else fails just go
the source. Probably hiding aliens in the truck or
something. Let's see here...
2115 - hmm...
2116 - Should be just as easy as ...
HUH! WHA?... No, I was jus... No wait!
Honest Dave. No! I was just... No!
No! The Board set it up... I'm innocent... I'm
just a patsy... HELP! HELP! |
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"HEY! Somebody come get the "E" back in the
box! HELLO? ANYONE? Come on people, he keeps throwing
PEZ at me! ANYONE? ANYONE? What a bunch of slackers at
this place!
Well anyway folks, that's the last photo we had when we found Jeff's
journal. Guess we may never get to the bottom of all this
"alleged" alien crap. Boy some people must sit and just
dream up this garbage huh? Always trying to invoke a riot or some
such just for the sake of media ratings. Not us here at the FNC though,
never do that sort of thing ... <cough> <cough>
<Bull$#!T> OK, so you
want more then? Well cruise on back to the 11-2005 NEWS (which is
also new) and read all about the FUBAR REUNION. (Can we say Brian and Steve = Toxic Twins
folks) Here, I'll even put a link in for you to click on -
In addition,
be sure to check out the goings on with the
Cyber Kid himself over at the DARTH M NEWS Link - 
So, other than that, there has been quite a few updates and additions to the
site. There's a
new FOTQ featured, still even more pics of future FUBAR Hall of
Famer Alex aka "The Mini Cyber" #2.3 in the ALEX
section, 90 Hooters restaurants listed in the FOOD section plus a whole
lot more (there might even be a Partridge in a Pear tree somewhere in
here?) So, grab yourself another cool BEvERage sit back, relax,
kill a few more brain cells and enjoy the show ... Until next time
(when we'll explain these three pictures) -
This has been your ever loyal,
but always self preserving, reporter -
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